I confess that I envy the crocodile. With that Birthday Suit not much could faze or damage its skin-type. Harpoons maybe. Maybe bazookas, but I mean the day-to-day stuff: insects, unsanitary water, rude hippos etc. It seems that tough skin and grit are what you need to get by in this world. But after some mild soul searching, I am starting to conclude that I am cream-filled and the skin holding it all together isn't as deep or strong as I would like.
I was one of the few souls who managed to skip the middle school experience when I was younger. I have fairly cheery memories of that time in my life, blissfully floating through my education as an awkward homeschooler. But now I get to live middle school everyday as a public school orchestra teacher. I teach 5 different orchestras, plus two other classes, and this year my 8th grade orchestra has given me a run-for-my-money. I've tried most of the tricks I know to get them to focus and to be engaged. I want to teach them something worthwhile, but it feels like I have to fight them for every inch. No, not just every inch, every millimeter! Every so often I exhort them to show respect to the discipline of playing a stringed instrument, and show it to whoever is on the podium "Whether you love or hate your director you still show them respect." I spend a lot of time planning what I am going to do next for that particular class, and I admit tears have been shed as I've penciled in lesson plans and silently conducted through the scores for our next rehearsal. Sometimes at night I contemplate how I am going to respond to kids being rude, or not acknowledging my greeting, or just showing attitude. Certain names come to mind. I can feel myself getting upset at these times, and sometimes losing sleep over these things. "Go to sleep! Stop being anxious!" I tell myself. The brain doesn't easily shut off. I am aware that I can cast my cares upon the Lord. And I do. And sleep does come. Eventually. It just hasn't been easy-peasy. Did I mention that I wish I had tougher skin?
In the last few weeks I have experienced some heart break. I cannot go into detail, but it was at some level the death of a dream. Something I really hoped would happen took an unexpected turn, and now I am healing from this train wreck, thinking "I never saw that coming." Even if I had seen it coming, would I have done anything different? I have no answer to this. For this. However, if you have advice on the best flavor of ice cream to consume while in the middle of a train wreck, feel free to comment below.
Maybe praying for tough skin isn't the way to go. I have heard that there is a load of good in being pliable. Teachable. One of my students in the previously mentioned 8th grade class wrote a note at the end of an assignment, and I read it for the first time today. She said she enjoyed and respected my class, and thanked me for making her last year at middle school amazing. This caught me off guard. It is one of the most encouraging things I have received for some time. Maybe some of this investment is worthwhile. Maybe not all of my 8th graders hate my guts. And maybe, if I really had crocodile-like skin, this note would not have the same value to me. Just a thought. And I will leave it here.
