Gut Experience

When I was a kid, one of my favorite sports was soccer. I remember one year especially being the hallmark year for getting the breath knocked out of me with the ball. I am not sure if it was because of the particular group of kids I was playing with, or that my stomach was a magnet for flying objects, or just that my skill level wasn’t quite there yet. But I remember that instantaneous feeling happening frequently in a period of a few months.
There is nothing like getting the breath knocked out of you. When your lungs are feeling collapsed, and when you don’t have any gumption to stand straight anymore. The whole world slows down, your eyes widen, and you focus on just one thing: B-R-E-A-T-H-E.
Last night I auditioned for the Topeka Symphony. I prepared. I practiced for it several hours a day for a few weeks, and felt solid on my repertoire. I came early, and was given the audition spot of number 2, which meant I could go in and get the audition over without waiting until my palms started to sweat first. It was all going well, until I heard the girl in front of me practicing one of the excerpts. Spiccato!? I didn’t know we had to play spiccato!!! It got my heart racing. When it came time to do the blind audition, I started with my most solid piece first. Mozart. I had been playing this certain piece of music since high school. With too much pressure on the bow I started too loudly, I couldn’t keep my intonation centered and clipped my beats- producing wretched rendition of something that sounded decent just 10 minutes beforehand. The following excerpts went better, but the sight reading left much to be desired. Overall I feel like I bombed it. Overall, it feels like I had the breath knocked out of me.
I haven’t heard if I got into the symphony or not, but my gut feeling is that it is a “no”, which is pretty disappointing. But what can you say? That’s life!
I’m going to put this down in my book as a learning experience… another one for this year that cuts deep- another failure; another pummel to the stomach. But there are still a few things left to do. Straighten up. Breathe. Don’t be afraid of the ball.